A companion post to Episode 18 of The Chicana Therapist Podcast
If you’ve ever sat across from someone you love while they were struggling and thought, “I have no idea what to say right now,”, you aren’t alone and this episode was meant for you.
It’s one of the questions I get asked most as a therapist: How do I actually support someone who’s struggling with their mental health?
In this episode, I dig into two things: the cultural scripts a lot of us grew up with, and what to do instead, how to sit with someone in their pain without losing yourself in it.
The Scripts We Inherited
A lot of us grew up hearing some version of these and probably said them ourselves a time or two.
- Échale ganas — put in the effort, push through it
- Ora, pray about it — as the only offered tool
- Ponte a trabajar / ponte a limpiar — stay busy, distraction as treatment
- Tienes mucho que agradecer, ¿qué más quieres? — you have so much to be grateful for
- No andes contando lo que pasa en la casa — keep it inside the family
None of these come from a bad place. They come from generations who survived real hardship with almost nothing, including no access to therapy, no language for what they were carrying, sometimes not even the time to feel their feelings because they were too busy surviving. Échale ganas kept people moving when moving was the only option they had.
But what worked as survival doesn’t always work as support. And most of us are still handing these scripts to the people we love without realizing what they actually do.
Why “Harmless” Phrases Aren’t So Harmless
These scripts don’t just fail to help, they actively teach people to go quiet:
- They teach people to hide instead of speak. Once someone learns that opening up gets them a lecture, a guilt trip, or empty positivity, they stop opening up. Not because they’re doing better, but because they’ve learned it’s not worth it.
- They disconnect people from their own pain. When you’re taught to measure your struggle against someone else’s, you start distrusting your own experience, minimizing it.
- They turn asking for help into a moral failure. If the expectation is “push through it,” then not being able to feels like proof you’re weak, not proof that something is genuinely hard.
- They isolate people at the exact moment they need connection. This is the part that worries me most as a therapist. Isolation is one of the biggest risk factors for things getting worse.
Not All Struggle Is the Same
Before we get into what to actually say, it matters to name that “struggling” isn’t one thing:
- A hard week, a breakup, a rough diagnosis…this usually needs your presence, your listening, maybe some practical help. It will likely ease with time and support.
- Grief doesn’t move in a straight line and isn’t a problem to solve. Someone grieving doesn’t need help “moving on”, they need someone who can sit with something that doesn’t get fixed.
- Clinical depression or anxiety often needs everything above, plus consistent encouragement toward professional treatment.
- Serious persistent mental illness (SPMI), things like schizophrenia or bipolar disorder, is a different level entirely. That usually requires a full care team, and you being part of that support structure rather than the whole thing.
Knowing what you’re looking at helps you know what kind of support is actually yours to give.
What Actually Helps
Lead with listening, not fixing. Most of us hear a loved one struggling and go straight into problem-solving mode. Before you offer a single solution, try asking: “Do you want me to just listen, or are you looking for advice?” That one question hands the moment back to them.
Reflect instead of redirect. Instead of jumping to a silver lining, just name what you heard: “That sounds really heavy.”You don’t have to solve the feeling, you just have to let them know it landed.
Ask direct, caring questions. Things like “How long have you been feeling this way?” and yes, even “Have you had thoughts of hurting yourself?” Naming it doesn’t plant the idea. It opens a door.
Check in without being invasive. A simple “thinking about you today” text, sent consistently, not just once during a crisis, tells someone you’re not going anywhere.
Offer specific help, not vague help. “Let me know if you need anything” puts the work of asking back on someone who’s already overwhelmed. “Can I bring you dinner this week?” or “I’ll sit with you while you make that appointment call” is something they can actually say yes to.
Learn the basics of what they’re dealing with. You don’t need a dissertation, just enough to stop accidentally saying things that misunderstand their experience.
Keep including them. Don’t stop inviting someone to the group hangout just because you’ve decided they’re “not up for it.” Let them decide. Keep the door open.
Normalize professional support gently, as an addition, not a dismissal. Not “you need therapy,” but “have you thought about talking to someone alongside talking to me?”
Protecting Yourself While You Show Up for Someone Else
Here’s the part I don’t want you to skip: support that costs you everything isn’t sustainable, and it isn’t good for the person you’re supporting either.
- You are not their therapist, even if you’re a great listener.
- Emotional exhaustion is real, noticing it in yourself isn’t selfishness.
- It’s okay to say “I need a night off from this conversation” without that meaning you don’t care.
- You can walk alongside someone. You cannot do their healing for them.
- If there’s ever immediate safety risk — thoughts of suicide, self-harm — that is not a moment to wait. Get them connected to crisis support right away, even if that means involving someone else.
The healthiest support usually comes from someone who still has their own footing, not someone who’s given everything away trying to hold someone else up.
The Bigger Picture
Échale ganas, ponte a orar, tienes mucho que agradecer — these scripts came from generations who survived hard things with almost nothing, and they kept people moving when moving was the only option available. They weren’t meant to be cruel. They were what our families had.
We get to hand something different to the people we love now. Not less care, but care with more tools in it.
If you’re supporting someone right now, I hope this gave you something concrete to hold on to. And if you’re the one struggling, I hope you have someone doing some version of this for you. If you don’t, reaching out for professional support is always a valid place to start.
Listen to the full episode, “How to Support Someone You Love,” on The Chicana Therapist Podcast. For more, subscribe to the newsletter at TheChicanaTherapist.com for updates on new episodes, blog posts, and upcoming local and international events. Follow along on TikTok, Instagram, and Facebook.
Note: If you or someone you love is in immediate danger, please contact the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (call or text 988) or go to your nearest emergency room.