If no one in your family ever sat you down to talk about what perimenopause and menopause look like, you are not alone. Most of us weren’t given that conversation. Not from our moms, not from our tías, not from anyone! And because we grew up without it, a lot of us are now in our late 30s or 40s wondering what is happening to our bodies, our moods, and our relationships.
In a recent episode of The Chicana Therapist podcast, I sat down with my dear friend and colleague Claudia Muro, LPC, LAC, ACS, PMHC, a bilingual therapist, to talk openly about perimenopause: what it actually is, how it shows up, and why so many of us are suffering in silence.
Here’s what we want you to know.
Primero, Let’s Define It
Perimenopause is not menopause. Menopause is when you’ve gone a full year without a period. Perimenopause is the transition phase leading up to that, and it begin up to 10 years beforehand.
Yes, you read that right. TEN EFFIN YEARS!
That means symptoms can begin in your mid-to-late 30s, long before most of us think to consider it. Part of the problem is that we associate menopause with being older, with señoras(which I am fine with being, but not everyone is) and so when our bodies start shifting, we assume it must be something else: stress, thyroid issues, depression, burnout. Sometimes it is those things. But sometimes, it’s hormonal.
The Symptoms
We’ve all heard about hot flashes and irregular periods. But perimenopause can look like so much more than that.
Physical symptoms can include weight gain that doesn’t make sense given your habits, changes in appetite (including feeling hungry even after a full meal), disrupted sleep, dry or itchy skin, hair texture changes or thinning, cramping that feels like it came out of nowhere, and sensitivity to smells or changes in how food tastes. You could also experience vaginal dryness and joint pain.
Mental and emotional symptoms are where things get really complicated, especially for those of us who are already managing anxiety, ADHD, or PMDD. Brain fog, forgetting words mid-sentence, trouble concentrating, low motivation, and fatigue are all common. So are significant mood shifts, increased emotional reactivity, irritability, and a shorter fuse than you’re used to.
One important note: if you have ADHD, research suggests perimenopause symptoms may begin earlier and feel more intense, because they layer on top of what’s already present. Something to be aware of.
How It Affects Our Relationships
When your mood is shifting and your energy is depleted and your body doesn’t feel like yours, it ripples out. Partners may start to notice. Parenting seems harder…you have no extra patience! Even friendships can feel like too much. Some people start isolating because they don’t trust how they’ll respond in the moment. Others notice that physical touch that used to feel comforting now feels overwhelming or arguments escalate over things that never used to be a big deal.
What makes this harder is that if you don’t have a name for what’s happening, neither does the person you’re living with. There’s no shared language for it yet. And that’s when arguments can make things worse.
The Part About Our Doctors Y Cómo Nos Han Fallado
Both Claudia and I were dismissed by our doctors. More than once. We were told to “power through,” that our symptoms were explained by stress or age or a thyroid issue. We were told we wouldn’t tolerate hormone replacement therapy, even when that information was simply not accurate.
The reality is that many physicians are not thoroughly trained in perimenopause. And that’s a problem when half the population goes through it.
If this resonates with you, here are a few things worth knowing:
Hormone testing can be misleading because estrogen and progesterone fluctuate significantly. Testosterone, however, can be tested, and low levels are very common. HRT (hormone replacement therapy) is not one-size-fits-all, and the risks vary person to person based on family and medical history. Seeking a provider who specializes in menopause or perimenopause makes a real difference. And you are allowed to say to your doctor: “Can we try this anyway?”
Advocating for yourself in medical spaces is exhausting. It shouldn’t have to be this hard. But until more providers are better trained, we have to be our own advocates and each other’s.
The Part That Isn’t Actually Bad
Here’s something we also want to name: some of what perimenopause brings isn’t all bad.
A lot of us in our 40s talk about caring less about things that used to drain us. Being more protective of our time and energy. Feeling less pressure to perform or please. Less patience for spaces and people that don’t feel right. That’s not entirely the hormones talking. A lot of it is just wisdom. And perimenopause might be the thing that finally gives us permission to stop overextending ourselves.
Maybe our bodies are pushing us toward what we’ve always deserved.
Por Qué No Hablamos de Esto
We talked a lot about why this subject stays so quiet in our communities. Part of it is that menopause has long been coded as something that happens to viejitas, and none of us want to claim that identity before we’re ready. Part of it is that Latina culture has a long tradition of aguantar, of pushing through without complaint.
And part of it, honestly, is that our moms didn’t tell us. Our grandmothers didn’t tell us. The information was never passed down. We’re hoping to change that. Not just for ourselves, but for the younger women in our lives who deserve to arrive better prepared.
Join Us in Oaxaca
If any of this has resonated, we want to invite you to something we’ve been building together.
This September 24-28, Claudia and I are co-facilitating a retreat in Oaxaca, Mexico called Reencuentro. It’s a space designed specifically for Latinas who are feeling disconnected from themselves, whether that’s because of perimenopause, the weight of caretaking, or simply the accumulation of life. You can find more info here: https://thechicanatherapist.com/retreats/and here: https://www.miradorcounseling.com/retreats
Reach out with any questions. We’d love to have you.
More information on Claudia and her group practice, Mirador Counseling, serving Colorado, is here: https://www.miradorcounseling.com