I saw someone say recently:
“Everyone wants a village, but no one wants to be a villager.”
That line stuck with me because it names something a lot of us feel but don’t always know how to say.
Many of us were never taught how to have friends. Or how to be one.
When I look back at my childhood, I don’t remember seeing my mother or my grandmother have friends, not outside of family. There weren’t really women they met for coffee just to talk. There weren’t friendships that felt chosen, mutual, or nurtured over time. Honestly, they were pretty busy, so maybe it was a time issue, but I know I’m not alone in that experience.
When I shared this thought on TikTok, the responses sounded like:
- “I don’t have time to make friends.”
- “My mom/daughter is my best friend.”
- Some people said their parents did have friends, but they were called tías.
- Others were told, “Tú no tienes amigas, tienes familia.”
A theme kept showing up there and I’ve noticed it with my clients, too…the idea that other women, and friendships outside the family couldn’t be trusted.
I was taught that too. Not always explicitly, but clearly enough.
What Happens When Family Isn’t Enough (And That’s Not a Failure)
At some point, family alone isn’t enough to meet all of our relational needs.
That doesn’t mean you don’t love your family.
It doesn’t mean you’re ungrateful.
It doesn’t mean something is “wrong” with you.
It means you’re human!
As I got older, I had to make friends because no one in my family was into the things I was into. No one shared certain interests, values, or ways of moving through the world. I needed people who could meet me where I was now, not only where I came from.
I made friends in college. I made friends later in adulthood. And I made a lot of mistakes along the way. One of the biggest ones was confusing acquaintances with friends.
An Acquaintance Is Not a Friend (Yet)
That distinction matters.
When you haven’t been modeled healthy friendship, it’s easy to rush intimacy. To over-share. To trust people before trust has been earned. To assume proximity equals closeness.
Friendship is a relationship. And like any relationship, it requires time, consistency, and mutual effort.
Which brings me to something I wish more people understood:
Friendships Require Intention (And That’s Not Too Much to Ask)
Friendships are not automatic. They don’t sustain themselves on vibes or history alone.
They require:
- Time
- Energy
- Effort
- And, yes, expectations
It’s okay to expect reciprocity, want balance, and name what matters to you.
No relationship is ever 50/50 all the time, but there should be a sense of mutual care.
For me, that looks like this:
- If you invite me somewhere and I say I’m going, I go (unless something real comes up). Even when I don’t feel like it.
- I remember birthdays (OMG, I try, anyway…damn ADHD)
- I respond to texts (see above)
- I show up to your events.
- I’ll go with you to support something you care about.
- I will tell you when you’re wrong, because I respect you enough not to lie to keep the peace.
That might sound like a lot to some people. To me, it’s just being a villager.
Wanting a Village Means Learning How to Be One
A lot of us say we want community, but community doesn’t happen by accident. It’s built through showing up, repairing when things go wrong, and staying when it would be easier to disappear.
If friendship feels hard, awkward, or unfamiliar, it’s not because you’re broken. It’s often because no one taught you how.The good news is: this can be learned.
You don’t have to do it perfectly. You just have to do it intentionally.
So maybe the question isn’t “Why don’t I have a village?”
Maybe it’s: “What kind of villager am I practicing being?”